Girls wellness project

One of the toughest parts about struggling with an eating disorder is adjusting to eating in front of people. It can be so hard because your mind is constantly comparing what you are eating to the people around you. You may also notice that you don’t want to feel judged for simply needing more energy in your body. When I first got diagnosed with anorexia, we had a family event to attend a few days after. Now I must give a disclaimer, when in anorexia recovery, your body needs WAY MORE than the typical daily caloric intake. A minimum of 3000+ calories is necessary for your body to begin refueling and distribute energy to all your vital organs that have been deprived for so long. IT IS SO NORMAL to feel way hungrier than the average person when in recovery. This is simply because your body is so deficient in nutrients that it literally needs way more to leave starvation mode. This often leads to extreme hunger, which can be so uncomfortable in a social setting. Your mind is comparing what you are eating to the people around you. But here is what you must know. The people eating around you have bodies that are not in starvation mode. Their bodies are functioning with a consistent energy supply, and they don’t need as much nutrients because they don’t have anything to “make up for”. They never went through an extended period of starvation. Extreme hunger is your body’s way of begging for more food to make up for all the time it was STARVING. Continuing with the story, we arrived at the gathering, and it just so happened to be a buffet style dinner. They had set up a build your own taco station with plenty of delicious toppings to choose from. Now, my eating disorder was spiraling just looking at all this food. Your ED is NOT going to let you make the correct decision when plating food. It is going to try and take over your plate and fill it with guilt. But remember, guilt isn’t an ingredient, it’s your eating disorder trying to find validation to thrive in your brain. I highly recommend having someone you trust plating your plate for you. For example, your mom, dad, sibling, etc. I began with a pretty small portion, due to my eating disorder. Looking at a normal portion early on in recovery was daunting. I finished my plate, and felt hungry still. I was so confused because everyone around me didn’t look to hungry after, but I personally knew my body needed more. I went back and plated my food up. I decided to put more food because i was able to recognize that my body needed it, which is why i was still hungry. Honoring your hunger is the only way to get your body out of dangerous starvation. If you continue to try and portion your meals the way your eating disorder wants, you are NEVER going to feel full. After, I felt so embarrassed and honestly was so worried that people would judge me. But guess what, absolutely no one said anything to me. Everyone continued to enjoy their day and eat as they felt they needed! A comment we received states:

“I feel more comfortable eating when I see everyone else eat, but when it’s around people I am not comfortable with, I just say I’m not hungry and they think I’m weird.” -anonymous

To this person, you are not alone. This feeling is something so many people struggling with eating disorders experience. But you have to recognize that when you are eating, no one is there to judge you. You have to do what is best for YOUR body. Before treatment, I would eat barely anything, and was only 1 heartbeat away from being hospitalized. But, when I was with my friends, I thought most of them probably had no idea how much i struggled with eating. Certain behaviors could be picked up on, but most of the time I managed to try food around my friends to avoid all the questions. But, when i tell you anorexia is not as slick as it seems, i mean it. It is much more noticeable than you think, especially when your body looks more malnourished as time goes on. But, a main reason i ate more around friends is because my eating disorder became distracted, and i actually enjoyed the company so much that it was so hard to let myself starve in front of the people i know care about me the most. Recognizing who you feel comfortable eating around helps so much in recovery. But, challenging certain environments, like family gatherings, is also beneficial, no matter how impossible it seems in the moment. I promise you, no one is paying attention to you as much as your eating disorder is. Do it for your body, for your family, for your soul, and for yourself. Eating is not optional, and it’s so important to slowly begin challenging those fearful moments. Stop lying to yourself. You KNOW you are hungry. You KNOW that your body is in need of food. Prioritize yourself and your health before you focus on what others have to think. Your health is the most important part of life. An eating disorder is not glamorous. The physical and mental consequence is so hard, and your body is in complete danger until you finally start to recover. No one is going to decide when it is time to get better, but you. There will never be someone who can make the change in your life, after all it is your life. If anyone is magically going to appear and suddenly make your life better, just know that person will always be you. Love yourself before you ask for love from others. You are beautiful.